Beauty I Can Keep

October of 2014 is a good time to start writing again. I finally want to... but where to pick up from? Well, if I were sitting down for tea with an old friend like I occasionally have the chance to do as life whisks by, I would start with the basics. I'm still married, the family is well. We still live in the same place. I'm still homeschooling. I'm still working on the house and have business plans...still homesteading with farm plans. I turned 40 this year- an age I used to think was old, but no longer do. There was a long period in my life where there was constant change- dramatic, often exciting, sometimes stressful swings and shifts. I'm happy to be at a place where I have embraced steadiness. Stability has a beauty all its own. I read a book called "Captivating" (yes, I know book titles are supposed to be underlined, but I still don't know how to do it in Blogger OR separate paragraphs anymore apparently) several years ago- a good book. It talked about how every woman's core question is, "Am I beautiful?" "Huh," I thought. "That's not the most important thing inside of me. I have deep, soul-mind-spirit things that are at my center... WAY more important to me than beauty." However I can admit now that being beautiful is, I realize, important to me. One of my favorite books is The Great Divorce, by C.S. Lewis. There are lots of reasons, but the reason I bring it up now is because of the lady in it. I'm not a person who follows heroes or idols, or celebrities.......... but this lady is a rare example of someone worth emulating. She glows forth the love that is within her and it overflows to everyone and everything around her. She is a mother to every child she meets. She causes men to desire their wives more, not her. And of course, the Love and Light that is in her is not "the triumph of the human spirit" that Hollywood worships or any variation of human love. The source is Love Himself, Christ Jesus, the Light of the World. Being a woman in this time and culture.. this porn-laden, superficial, debased culture.. is not easy. That is a whole other topic for another day... but certainly aging as a woman in this culture can become emotionally debilitating if you let it. In a society that literally worships fake, fleeting, female physical beauty as a primary God, is it any wonder that so many women despair at this stage in their life? God says that it is not the outward adorning, but the gentle and quiet spirit that is of great value in his sight. One verse that I had the foresight to take hold of as a teenager and young lady is this one in Proverbs 31: Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman that fears the Lord, she shall be praised. And I must also add, that the countenance of a woman who has God beaming out of her is always beauty to behold. If you've ever been privileged enough to meet a rare old true saint, you know what I mean. That's the kind of beauty I've been looking toward all these years, and I don't have to buy products to get it. I have to let God continue to shape me inside. Sure I want to reduce wrinkles and firm up. But blessed, so blessed, is the woman who invests in the beauty that cannot be taken from her- the glowing countenance that comes from being in God's presence and being filled with his joy.

Many Mini-brides or One Bride- Church Part 2

By necessity, I will be very methodical about this topic of "Church." I hope you forgive my need to throw in humor, it is not out of disrespect. It is because sometimes when something is so weighty, we need to be able to put the weights down for just a second, before we pick them back up again. I know that many of you who have tried to even ask certain questions about this have been assailed. As I said, it's the mother pearl.

We'll start off gently. Here is something I think we all agree on. It's one of the few things that happens in what western culture calls a 'church' that can be actually profitable:

*being with other believers*

It's funny, that's the first thing 'church' people whip out to admonish me with when they hear I am not at a 'church.' [Sorry, the only way I have to annotate 'church' as most people think of it, and The Church, is with the quotation marks and the capitals. It is not meant to be insulting to 'church' people by its repetitiveness].
They say, "Don't forsake the gathering together of believers as some are in the habit of doing," quoting Paul from the New Testament, of course.

I'm not. I'm just not doing it at a 'church.'

When people who are The Church show up at common times to be with each other and engage in common activities at a 'church,' surprise! Church Happens. Administering their gifts to each other takes place, and God shows up too. It doesn't matter how many people are there, 2 or 2,000. It doesn't matter where it happens and there are no personnel requirements. God is actually quite capable of giving people the gifts they need when they need them to minister to other people.

Understand that, in the bible, the church is not described as a series of microcosms spread across the land, each called The Local Church. That would be saying there are many little duplicate copy brides of the one BIG bride running around. [Please read that last sentence and this next one again really slowly]. What he does say is that her (the bride, called The Church) body has many parts, and each of us comprises a piece of it. The fact that we are spread across the land is of no hinderance to God.

So all the believers together comprise The Church, NOT all the little churches together comprising a big church.

SO, SO subtle. Oh so very subtle, are deceptions. Read this:

the Church (in Corinth)

OR

"The Church of Corinth" (read as similar to First Baptist Church of Corinth)

Do you see that? In case you are wondering, the first is correct. The second is not.

.......back to the earlier point about meeting together............

'Church' leaders like to step into these meetings or facilitate them and then point to what is taking place as validation.. for the institution that owns the building or that set up the meeting, and even for their role. I have been present at exchanges like this in a garage. That doesn't make the mechanic my priest and the auto shop my church. More important to note: It didn't matter if they were even there. Lest ye believe that a 'church's' existence can be validated because it facilitates these gatherings; understand that, on the premise of that function alone, I would agree that it was a good organization. But is a 'church' necessary to facilitate gatherings of The Church? The answer is NO.

Immediately, I know, that all of the other very important functions the 'church' facilitates and assures you are critical in your Christian walk pop into your minds like clock work. I don't disagree that praise, worship, or bible study are essential to The Church. I just don't believe a 'church' is essential for The Church to do those things.

Ask me how I know this.

We are still doing those too.

Again, is the 'church' necessary? NO.

Can an organization facilitate these things without causing harm to, stealing from, worshiping, impeding, or impersonating The Church? I'd say yes. It can be done. In theory.

I want you to know before we go any further, it is not my intention to draw anyone away from my wonderful God, or away from His precious bride, The Church. Quite the contrary. So, I'll keep going.

Getting Here Part 2: The best house hunter

So that messy, rambling last post described how we finally got the guts and the opportunity to leave the rat race. This one is about this last little leg of the journey.

I've been interested in homes for longer than I can remember. Sometime in elementary school, I remember my sisters redoing mom's bathroom with strawberry wallpaper, and I wanted to hang a little Strawberry Shortcake picture I had in it.

Mom never had what most women had. She turned 75 yesterday, and as I was thinking of her, one word came to mind that always comes to mind- contentment. Mom knows how to be content with whatever. Maybe she didn't learn it gracefully; maybe at some point before the period I can remember, she felt restless or like striving.....but I've never seen it. I've never seen that woman strive after anything. I can't say I take after mom in that respect, though it is something I'm striving to do. Woops. Anywho, the thing I've probably strived after the most is my idea of a home.

A lovely little cottage is something that's been in my heart for a long time. Whether you realize it or not, there are many aspects to a home that affect your sense of well being. There is an art to making a home lovely and it, in my mind and heart, involves a whole set of experiences that has less to do with what you hang on the wall and more to do with your overall sense of comfort, space, balance, and light.

When Cory and I bought our first house I started my first great striving project... I mean, remodeling project. We just got the bones of the thing finished when we had to put it on the market because the coffeeshop was pulling us under. Right before we left there I remember starting to think about building our own house... the idea was wonderful to me. To have something exactly the way I wanted it was more than alluring. Fast forward past many rentals, a house we bought and sold in less than a year, another rental, then our move to the country, and two more rentals. It was during the first rental after the move to the country that I started drawing.

What can you do when you are renting a place with an oven handle that looks like it came off a Buick? Draw. I spent a ridiculous, and I mean ridiculous, amount of time drawing the floor plan and elevations of the house I wanted ... every free second I had for an entire year to be exact. I not only had the house in my head, but we wanted to build it for cash on a large piece of land in the country... kind of a lofty plan, I admit, when you are living from paycheck to paycheck; but that's how a zealot rolls (at least, in their head).

I researched construction loans, garage apartments to get us on the land, living in a yurt (that's a round tent), etc.etc. It's a conflicting experience when on one hand you know you have to have a set of quad arched french doors in a jamb as thick as an English built manor, but on the other hand you want to be totally debt free and minister to orphans. Hmmm.... a bit of a quandary. God listened as I wrestled with him over these things. I even talked with him about how foolish I felt for caring about something that seemed to matter so little like beauty in a home. He straightened me out on that one though. It seems God likes beauty too and doesn't feel it's a waste of time at all. He sort of invented it. He is it.... if you want to be totally accurate. He patiently walked me through what was really behind my ideas... seeing the beauty outside that He created, feeling His peace... I wanted a home that emanated Him.

In the spring of last year when we were ready to start looking for land, I spent an inordinate amount of time on the internet. We had a huge area we could look in and it was still like finding a needle in a haystack. I had no idea land was so hard to find. It seems that every piece of decent land is bought up by a "developer" who destroys it and turns a small fortune by building a "community." I was getting discouraged. It looked like all we would be able to afford, with financing, was a garage apartment with a ridiculously termed construction loan. So I go back to God. What's the deal God? So I've made this place sort of a little, teeny, tiny idol. It's okay to want something, right?

TTTHEEENNNN, after wrestling a little more, I say, "Okay God. If you want us to just buy a place, I will do that. I want this house that I've drawn, but if you have something different, I give you permission to override my wants." Did you know God is a gentleman? A lot of people don't know that. That's why Jesus says "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." He doesn't kick in your door. You always have a free choice, free will. He had this place waiting for us all along but would not override my efforts without my permission. Of course His plans for us are always better than what we can do; but, even so, He is a gentleman; a gentleman who also happens to not want His lady having any other gods before Him. So I go back to the computer and find an ad on Craig's list for this place on all this land. I love this place, this gift from God. He even made sure my beloved beech trees were here. But it gets better.

Cory and I bought it feeling sure God gave us the land and the place to stay in while we built the house I designed; as sort of a giant addition (how we would pay for it and find the time, I can't tell you). I started wrestling again recently with my drawing, and our finances, and this place...wondering how we'd ever make that happen. The other day after I broke out my drafting paper and starting working on version gazillion, everything started to click into place. God started giving me eyes to see that it's almost all done. I can have almost exactly what I wanted by making some modifications and adding less than 200 square feet. LESS THAN 200 SQUARE FEET. At one point I calculated 7 feet and 10 inches to fit in the french doors on the west side exactly where I want them. I went inside the closet to measure how much room the air handling system was taking up on that wall and... surprise surprise...7' 10" exactly.

I can't say we're totally done but I'm pretty sure I see how it all will fit together now. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't have been able to fit everything in such a small place on my own. I had tried and my drafts kept ballooning up into megahouses instead of the small cottage that I wanted. It looks like I have a good designer though. I think it's gonna be good.

Crazy women and beauty out here

Women are like pulsing waves. They are SO affected by the moon. They splash their glory up on the sand and then retreat quickly to see if it is okay from a safe vantage point. I looked up the word lunar and sure enough, lunatic is derived from it. It seems it was coined because of the association of women's monthly periods (you did know of their relationship to the moon's cycles, didn't you?) with their mental and emotional state. But who, in their right mind, doesn't love the ocean? And of course, the waves are what make it glorious. Interestingly, God just so happened to choose the female gender to represent His beauty, and I think, zeal. I'm glad we have that established.

So, here's how unimportant time is: when something beautiful is planted in a little girl's heart, she remembers it forever. And so it happened, that after a time, my desire became evident to return to a peaceful rural place. It was what I found wonderful about my childhood. We were always outside, and providentially we didn't have a lot of toys at all (there were 14 of us, you know). When you don't have plastic manufactured things, you examine the flowers and mud puddles and ants and pebbles; and creeks and trees and birds. You note how the sunlight looks through a window at different times of the day and how wonderful quiet sounds. I wanted that for my kids and for the rest of my and Cory's days. That's the other thing women are designed to do- express beauty and bring it to those around them. That's why we bother with curtains and flowered dishes- it's actually quite spiritual. Maybe boys don't think of beauty in the same way, but they get it- you know, caterpillars (callapitters, as Sam calls them) and such.

And the smells are too much to mention. They say the sense of smell is the strongest link to memories and emotion. You cannot fathom the mix of smells God can spread out on a brambly covered piece of land in southern Pennsylvania in the summer. Lest I paint a picture of an idyllic childhood, let me assure you that mine was not. And this brings me to the most important thing about me you should know which has nothing to do with me. My God. I could offer many academic points about His existence and the validity of the bible, etc.etc. but that's not how I know Him. I know Him because He was there with me, even before I had the head knowledge of Him. God spent time with me, comforting and loving me, and I just happened to be outside most of the time- so that is where I got to know Him. So, of course, it reminds me of Him.

My sister, Dolly, said she read a quote from Elizabeth Elliott once. I sure hope she can find it so I can get it right, but it went something like this: The child off wondering at God and His creation, marveling at the birds and trees and flowers, is doing something just as important as the child in the group.

Thank you Dolly. I so needed to hear that.

And so in the course of time, after much praying and reading and talking and hoping; because we had so many, many details to work out... my husband, 2 boys, and I eventually were able to leave the life we had in the city/suburbs and finally make it out here. We are just really settling in and starting to taste of this life together. I thought I might tell you about it.