The Light Switch

This is a true story:

One day, I don't remember which year it was, I stopped in front of a light switch and tried to balance it exactly in the center, right between off and on. I'm not sure how many times I flicked that light off and on trying, but it was quite a few. I thought if I could juuust hold it exactly there.... I'm not sure what I was thinking... that it would neither then be on nor off? (how does that work?) That it would be a dim light?

Another true story:

Money has been a challenge for me my whole life. A host of very important decisions and events in my life have been strongly influenced by my, shall we say, insufficient funds: college, business, houses, childcare, social things. The list goes on.

I once read about there being a "spirit" of lack. So I prayed about it- prayed that jerk right out of my life in the name of Jesus. Sure did. I'm not making that up. I also have thoroughly evaluated my intentions from a spiritual standpoint and have determined that I have very ambitious charitable goals, and reasonably modest material desires. In short, I would pass the Spanish Inquistion of Financial Intent, should there be one. At least I think.

This lack started out because of my family's financial situation- 14 kids on a mechanic's salary is a pretty big challenge. Even when I was making quite a bit of it though, which I was doing at a pretty early age, the sense of lack was still there. I wasn't where I wanted to be so I invested all of it into plans to try to move things in life along to where I did want them to be. The details are too many for this post to share, but I will say that the failures and disappointments were plentiful; but each led me to exactly the place I needed to be, which was prayer; and God finally getting his desire: to chisel me into a bit better image of him than what I was.

Which sounds lovely. If I learned my lesson and did that every time. But I don't. I wrestle with him. My name, Jacqueline, is the french feminine version of the name Jacob- the most famous Jacob being the one who wrestled with God in the scripture. Yippy to a great namesake.

I don't do it on purpose (wrestling, that is), by the way. Most people don't.

So, as you know life has gotten quite a bit better for me; but I, like many, have still been holding on to some things that I want- mostly not even material things, but things money facilitates: like more time with my husband, more time with family, etc. It's okay to want things but you can't let them be an idol. Here's a tip: It's hard for something you want not to become an idol. It is therefore very, very easy for something you want to become an idol.

So despite all the great things the Lord has done in my life and blessed us with, I have still been walking around with my breath slightly held. Anxiously awaiting the final steps and stages of what I think my life should look like.
(Funny that as I typed that sentence, I remembered on my last visit to the naturopath, she said my muscle test indicated I wasn't getting enough oxygen. hmm).

A few weeks ago I had a sudden onset of sustained discouragement. Not the clinical kind- never seen that kind- but my special kind, which goes like this:

1.)We'll begin this evening's meal with a lot of pessimism about how long things are taking.

2.)The soup for this evening will be an analysis of what you have done sprinkled with what else you could do; with a sprig of what everyone else could do.

3.)The main course will be a review of our financial outlook- always a filling dish.

4.)And for dessert we will wrap up with noting that unless some major upheaval occurs, it may be just like this next year.

Nummy.

So here is the good part. I've been through this enough that after eating this exact same meal for a number of days in a row, I start to get wise- hhheeyyyy, wait a minute where is this crap coming from?

This is when it starts to turn around. You know this, if you've ever countered spiritual attacks with the Word of God, which is what I did; but this particular time has had a unique twist for me.

I walk out in the yard on one beautiful late afternoon while the kids are playing and sit on the tree swing, quite over the weight of things, especially frustrated plans. The sunset shadows are already casting the long stretched silhouettes of the trees across the grass, even this early in the fall season. I notice this and start thinking about the sun. And do you know what came into my brain? Noon. Noon is the same as a light switch in the center.

Noon lasts one second. Not even that if you want to get scientific about it- splitting it into infinite divisions of a second. Noon is the exact second the sunrise switches to the sunset. The entire day is leading up to noon, or is leading away from it.

People get sad about the past and the future: "The past isn't what i thought it would be/ the future isn't working out the way I wanted it to be." They are looking for that perfect exact time where things are brightest, and their lofty plan is to grab hold of it and stay there. However, God's plan for the day doesn't include holding onto noon.

We get very close to it- glimpses of what it is very much like.

Life is a series of long sunrises and sunsets- they are quite varied and beautiful on their own merit. We should enjoy wherever we are in the process. Or maybe the even bigger lesson is that the perfection we are seeking isn't attainable while on this earth. In heaven, God's presence is the source of light, not the sun. According to the Word, there is no darkness nor shadow there.

I thought about this, and I thought, and I thought.

I realized that what I am grasping for cannot be found in the way I am thinking of it while I am still here on this earth. So the only way to feel what I wanted to feel was to do it now, with things exactly the way they are. I decided to be content- right where I am and with what I have.

Now, I have determined and willed before to be content, but never have I been, for more than probably a fleeting moment (if I were to take the time to really think about it). But this time, God did a work in me and I finally did it. Actually it was more like I didn't do it at all, because it was actually working- someone did it for me, as another gift. Then noon came inside of me- "on (the) earth (of my heart) as it is in heaven."

"Now Godliness with contentment is great gain." 1 Timothy 6:6.

I let go of something and then I got it? Yes. If I lose my life, I will find it, so sayeth the scripture.

Later on I took out my notebook and wrote down all the things I have to be thankful for and all the blessings God has poured out on me. It was such a good list I was embarrassed and ashamed at ever having asked for anything else. I have received more than enough if I never get one more thing. Then I wrote down all the lies I have been hearing to stir discontentment in me.

Satan is a bastard, by the way.

Then I wrote down the precise truths that counter those lies. It was an even more impressive list than the first one. Silence. Soaking in of the Truth. Better. Much better.

And that is enough for me to say; and very, very worthwhile to provide a testimony about. I could stop there. But then two more things happened.

First, I took action- it wasn't a big spiritual plan. I just decided to do a better job taking care of the stuff I already have- I started cleaning up- just something extra each day- cleaning out the kids toys, cleaning the oven, etc.

Then I decided to decorate with what I have. I began making the living room look more like a place a family lives, and less like a construction zone with a couch in it. With as little as I had after 8 moves, it is looking nice. Very us.

Now here is the interesting twist- and you can say what you want about it, I don't care- I'm going to tell you anyway. I've been weighing myself pretty regularly since Cory fixed the scale and put it in the bathroom; and I stay pretty much at the same weight- 20 lbs more than I want.

With absolutely no effort on my part, I began to lose weight right after what we'll call my "contentment shift." And it is still coming off. A day or two after I noticed the weight drop, (yes after so don't say it was the power of suggestion or whatever) I happened to read an article linked from another article from a weight loss trainer. Her method wasn't fully disclosed, but her article hinted that happiness makes your metabolism work much better and that her $500 per session clients pay her more for her counseling about being happy with themselves than a workout plan.[Obviously, like with anything, God's laws and design work for the benefit of anyone who applies them- Christian or not; that's why monogomous pagan couples have better marriages than adulterous pagan couples- both are pagans but one is reaping the rewards of following God's design for marriage, and one is not].

Interesting. Of course there is a connection between metabolism and stress, everyone knows that. But then conversely it makes sense that there is also a connection between metabolism and contentment, or peace. Holy Cow. Why do so few know that? This lines up with scripture as God makes it very clear that we take authority over the body with the spirit.

So you can do with that what you will.

I admit that I still have plans for the living room to look like an atrium in an English cottage- but I finally feel that those plans are now in their rightful place- which is not, by the way, first. I tried to put them (the plans) there(anyplace other than first) before, but my efforts never, ever work like God's grace. Um, that also sums up the Old and New Testament.

Anyway, the living room is looking better. And I am looking better. And our finances and circumstances are looking better too, but that is because I have a different perspective. Nothing has changed with them, but instead of viewing anything below my idea of ideal as lack, I am viewing anything beyond the abundance we already have as extra abundance. It turns out I am a very rich woman right now and have been too duped to fully recognize it.

Pride, a Plan, and your Peeps-Church Part 3

This is only blog three of the series and I am already a little worn out with it because it is taking up a lot of my mental energy and I don't have an unlimited amount of that anymore. This is important, I want to be thorough, but I also need to teach my kids something this week, so I am going to do my best to get several more posts out and plug through this as quickly as I can possibly do it.

(Cue Julie Andrews)Sing with me:

Let's start at the very beginning. A very good place to start. When we read we begin with A.B.C.; when we sin we begin with Me. Me. Me.

Satan used to be an angel called Lucifer, said to be the highest, and very beautiful. Then he became prideful, vain. He wanted to replace God with Himself and he was cast down from heaven along with quite a few other angels he had persuaded to follow him. Pride and vanity are common errors in individuals as well. But we aren't often told this can happen in a church... where a church comes up with a plan to replace God as first in their hearts with themselves, or their plan.

A typical church's (and often individual's) top 2 idols:

#1- Themselves

#2- Formulas..."God-formulas" I call them... a plan, a method, a movement, a whatever-step process

Why would this happen? Well, observation would say that it starts in the heart of a man with an earnest desire to make his 'church' look the way God's bride is supposed to look according to what he sees in scriptures. [This is why understanding that the 'church' is not a little copy of the bride responsible for it's own completeness, but one Bride that God says HE himself is preparing to be without spot or blemish, is so important]. So this well-intentioned man starts leading the 'local body of believers' to focus on what they look like...sincerely wanting them to be right.... and what handier of a way to do this than with a formula. Pop into the local Christian bookstore and you will find an endless, and I mean endless, number of books telling you exactly what your church needs to do.

Pardon me for a moment while I tell you why I find this so funny:

Moses was a man of God who had a very real and powerful encounter with God when God parted the Red Sea for him and the Israelites to pass, escaping Pharoah and his crew of pursuing Egyptians. No one is questioning that. What he experienced was very real and it was very much God.

But, imagine if Moses then paused for a little sabbatical and penned his first bestseller entitled, Parting Your Red Sea- Seven Steps to Saving You and Your Peeps. It gets better. In it, he details out exactly how you, too, can take your peeps up to a body of water when someone is chasing you and invoke God to split it.

God did that once for a group of people in a special circumstance. You can't duplicate it whenever you want to without him, or even by asking him really really sincerely to- WHY? Because God is not a formula to be activated on your whim. He wants to be in a relationship with us. We can ask Him for help in any circumstance, but trying to press a replay button on something he did for someone else is not asking him for help. It is trying to skip him and get to what you want- listen closely- even if what you want is to see people saved, just like He does.

Now imagine how frustrating it is when the guy who just invested $20 in Moses' book has some people achasin' him and has rallied his peeps around this brilliant plan... and then (gurgle gurgle)...crap. It's not working. Well, it can't be that the formula was wrong- it worked for Moses FOR PETE'S SAKE! It must be that his people were messing him up. So he presses pause, gathers his people around and has a talking with them about the way they are supposed to be acting.... because right acting and right being peeps get their water split- it's been proven. (This is usually when the people decide they have the wrong leader or the leader decides he has the wrong people or they BOTH decide they had the wrong formula. Either they part and go separate ways or they seek God just in time to find that, Yee-haw, Joshua just came out with a book called, "Crumbling the walls that are holding you back- 12 steps to getting your church to their Promised Land.")

This can go on for a very long time.

So we see that good intentions can end up bad when a church replaces God as number one with a formula or a mirror. Would this happen as much if the leader(s) of that local body didn't think they were supposed to peer into the scriptures and draft formulas they can see to get their Local Bride looking right? I don't think so. If they understood that not every gift, not every role, not every function needed to exist within their one local group....then oh my goodness....

Imagine.

Just imagine.

That would mean that God might use me to minister to someone in another place... and I might have time and money to do it...

which leads us to the most brutal of the subjects among church folks...money. You want to see someone turn and tear you to pieces? Bring up the church's use and understanding of money.... but I actually feel personally decently equipped in this subject because of how God has made me in particular...and because of my personal experience. So we'll tackle that next. Stay with me. I'm getting somewhere right along with you and I hope we are all edified and stronger when this is all said and done.

China, Buttercup, and the cow economy

A little politics, if you allow, so we can get to a point: It's widely know that we borrow the money we need to operate our government and economy from China. What isn't widely known, though it should be, is that China is going to cut the cord. They are making plans to do so now. If you look for it, you will find information about this fact.

Many have speculated how this will pan out. I know this: If food and fuel aren't available for even a short time in this country in just one area, things get a bit out of hand, shall we say. The entire food system now depends on the trucking systems; which depend on fuel from foreign sources that we use our dollars to buy. If we can't, there will be grocery stores with empty shelves. My brother, Kenny, recently quoted someone as saying that every person is 3 meals away from being barbaric. Whoa. Militancy may come in handy after all.

Cory and I started talking about food. Where we'd get it, etc. Vegetables are nice but they won't cut it exclusively for a lot of reasons. We started talking about cows sort of jokingly. It became our silly explicative we'd declare out loud when we'd hear bad news. "WE"RE GETTING COWS!"

Then something conspiracy theory bizarre happened. We actually had a conversation with a military contact (we're in a major military area) who told us some things he knew. If I told you I probably wouldn't have to kill you, but he might have to kill us; so let's just say I decided to get a book about cows (more about that book another time).

It doesn't matter if the economy doesn't crash. I pay a pretty penny for good food. I'd rather feed my kids well than give them other things. Securing it isn't just about emergencies, it's an investment; so raising and growing your own makes you a commodities producer, actually; and it's more secure than your 401k because you can walk outside and see your investment...yep, it's still there... and walk back inside. Also, if you have it, you don't have to pay someone else top dollar to get it.

When I left my job and we became a one income family instead of two, trade-offs became in order. If a budget is tight, spend less or make more. I planned on starting a business and still do; but the economy of a cow caused me to pause and consider reducing our expenses first. Look at these numbers:

Grassfed beef is $6-9 per pound. We eat it maybe twice a week; more if we could. A cow produces one calf a year that will yield 400 lbs of beef to eat or sell. That's $2400. Organic milk, cream, butter, etc. costs us $200 a month. That's another $2400/ year and that's not even raw stuff. Raw is much better for you than anything you can get in the store. The going price for raw milk shares in our area equates to $8/ gallon. A cow produces 3-4 gallons a day; 21- 28 gallons a week. Even if I make gourmet cheese and yogurt I will still have enough left over to profit well over $150 per week or $7000 a year.

Altogether, that's almost a thousand dollars a month from our little Buttercup for the next 12 years or so- Moo.